The next time I wake up, my first thought is that I need to think.
I go to the bathroom and hear the men talking in the kitchen. I can't face them now.
The shame of my licentiousness last night is back.
I take a quick shower and try not to think about whose hands lingered on which part of my body last night.
I try to understand what happened and why now. Why not two years ago? Never one of the men tried something on me.
I need time alone, and I will take it.
I scurry out of the bathroom and into my bedroom.
I rarely lock my door, but today I feel the need.
Only my key is no longer in the lock where it always is!
What does that mean? I look at the floor to see if it might have fallen out, but it never has.
It has been removed!
Panic and anger flood my mind. Who dared to take my room key?
I quickly get dressed, comb through my disheveled hair, and rush into the kitchen.
"Where's my room key?", I ask into the room. I expect silence or evasion.
"Here.", says Pao, pointing to the sideboard. I walk toward it to take the key, but he gets in my way.
"Sit down!" he says, pointing to the breakfast table.
Angrily, I look him in the face to really give him a piece of my mind about his insolence. Images of last night immediately come to mind when I see his lips.
I could try to reach around him to take the key, but the closeness of his body does something to me that I don't understand.
I look at Adam, but he only looks at Pao and remains silent. I open my mouth to argue, but Pao takes a step toward me and I fall silent.
Am I afraid of him? Why?
He had never done anything to me and certainly wouldn't do it.
Why am I backing away inside?
Am I afraid that he will touch me?
Yes! I am afraid that he will touch me and that it will be like last night. I'm afraid of wanting him. Or Adam. I have to get out of here, away from these men.
I turn around and flee to my room. Like a little child.
I slam the door behind me and sit down on the bed. I can't think for long, because my bedroom door opens without a knock. Adam comes in and walks towards me.
"Are you going to come into the kitchen to talk, or should we come in?" He asks this quite seriously and holds out his hand to me. I don't want to touch him, any more than I wanted to touch Pao.
He knows it and doesn't move from the spot. If I try to get up, I will land right in front of his body. Much too close.
I have no choice but to take his hand.
When I put my hand in his paw, it goes through me like an electric shock and I try to pull it back. Do I see mockery in his eyes as he grips tighter?
What is this all about? Will he pull me with him if I refuse? Like a little kid who doesn't want to go home from the playground?
He pulls me up and goes into the kitchen.
Completely confused, I follow him.
Pao turns around and looks at my place at the table, where there is a cup of coffee. He doesn't say anything.
I know he doesn't like to repeat himself.
Adam doesn't let go of my hand until I sit down.
A quiet sense of loss creeps into my thoughts. I reach for my coffee and stare into it. I can't look at any of the men.
"You won't need your room key anymore," I hear Pao say.
What nonsense is he babbling?!
How will he know what I will need and when?!
What the fuck is that all about?!
"You won't lock yourself in your room for hours or days this time like you always do when you have a problem and want to think. You don't have a problem cara." Again this pet name and again so serious.
"You won't lock your room door at all because everything you do, you can do in our presence"
WHAT???? Is Pao crazy? Totally crazy?
I look up expecting a laugh and confirmation that it's a joke, but neither of them smiles. Anger boils up inside me.
"And what the hell are you going to do when I do? Punish me???", I reply, laughing into his serious face.
He nods.
He actually nods!!!
The absurdity of the situation leaves me speechless.
I finish my warm coffee, leave the cup on the table and go to my room, smashing the door behind me.
The slam of the door behind me breaks my tension.
I shake all over my body. I didn't even realize how tense I was. On wobbly legs, I walk towards my bed and sit down.
I don't understand what just happened. Those in the kitchen are my friends of many years!
But it just felt like I was facing two predators.
I look anxiously at my bedroom door, but it doesn't move.
What do I do if they just come in? Will I fight back?
Surprisingly for myself, I realize that I will not. I feel the urge, the need to open the door to my room. It is so strong, almost irresistible.
It makes me angry, but it doesn't go away.
When I can't stand it anymore; I get up, go to the door and throw it open. If it weren't for the doorstop, it would bang loudly against the wall. So it only stops trembling shortly before it.
I hate the feeling that I ran away instead of facing them. I hate even more the feeling, that I opened the damn door, and that I desperately want to get back to the kitchen.
I'm hungry and I'm not a coward!
Our kitchen is open to the living room and has plenty of space. I walk determinedly toward the table to wash my coffee cup. The men are preparing the meal we shopped for yesterday. I feel such an urgent need to belong to them again, that I hear myself ask:
"Do you need help?", as I wash out the cup.
No one says a word, but I feel someone standing behind me and automatically stiffen.
Determined not to show fear, I slowly turn around.
Pao is standing in front of me. To reach for the dish towel, I have to pass him. My pulse quickens against my will. Will he get out of my way? I don't think so.
"Just keep us company; cara." he says, smiling for the first time that day. I feel like I've been given a gift.
Excitement and joy and something else I can't define flood my thoughts.
Pao makes room for me, but when I try to pass him, he blocks my way again. I face him and stare at the lower half of his face.
He lifts my chin and kisses me.
Lightly, gently, with my mouth closed.
The pleasure in my body explodes as if he is penetrating me. My lips open but there he is already gone, and my path is clear. I lower my eyes and dry my cup before putting it in the kitchen cabinet.
"Will you pass me the big bowl for the salad?", Adam says to me, and I get what he asked for from the cupboard.
As I hand him the bowl, our hands touch. He holds my hand briefly and strokes my skin with his thumb. Automatically, I pull my hand away and turn my back to him.
His touch is no longer that of a friend. I am afraid to want more.
Is this how it's going to be now?
Do I have to get used to the new feeling I have when one of them approaches? Are they doing that to me right now? Are they getting me used to them? Like a wild animal that needs to be domesticated?
Do I want to be domesticated?
I can feel their gazes on my back. I have to do something.
I wash tomatoes and start cutting them for the salad when Pao gives me his salad dressing to taste.
He always does, but this time he doesn't use a teaspoon like he usually. He comes up to me with the small bowl, dips his index finger halfway into the dressing, and holds it in front of my face.
"Open your mouth." My lips part a little and he pushes his finger into my mouth. I can't help but suck on it.
"Delicious.", I say as he pulls it back out, and the regret in my voice surprises me.
I feel my cheeks grow hot as I realize that the men understood exactly what I found so delicious. With my face burning, I turn my attention back to my tomatoes. The tension in the kitchen is palpable.
There is steak in Mexican marinade and a salad with Pao's homemade dressing. Healthy and nutritious.
When I finally sit down to eat and look at the well-done meat on my plate, I realize how hungry I am. I look up at the men, because they are not sitting down. I see them exchange glances and Adam leaves the kitchen.
When he comes back, he is holding a rope in his hands. I don't understand what he wants to do with it until Pao explains it to me.
"Adam will tie your hands to the chair and feed you, cara." He informs me. There is no question in his sentence, and Adam is already walking towards me.
I'm shocked when he takes the knife I've already reached for out of my hand, and as if from a distance, I watch my hand being tied to the chair.
Adam strokes my arm up to my shoulder and then goes to the other side to tie my other hand. I put the fork on the table and put my hand on the chair to be tied.
Why? Why do I do it?!
I don't understand it myself!
When I look at Pao, I see him nod, barely noticeable. Then Adam pulls up a chair and starts cutting my steak.
I feel as if I have stepped out of my body, and I am watching a bizarre game.
Adam spears a piece of meat on his fork and guides it to my mouth, which I automatically open. But nothing gets in. I close my mouth again, confused. Then Pao steps toward me and says:
"Open."
I don't understand the game, but open my mouth.
There, his index finger drives over my upper and lower lip and smears my lips with something, which immediately begins to burn.
It's sharp, and I instinctively want to lick it, but
"Don't lick.", Pao stops me.
My lips are on fire. It's not particularly painful; but the need to lick the sharp substance is overwhelming.
Adam puts the piece of flesh in my mouth and I have no choice but to chew.
When I swallow, my lips are still pressed tightly together and still burning. Adam leans over and kisses me. The kiss burns in my mouth as his tongue slides in.
It's as hot as it is erotic. I enjoy the kiss like the most delicious food in the world. Can't get enough of it. He activates all the nerves not only in my mouth but also everywhere in my body.
When the kiss breaks off and Adam looks at me smiling, I lift my head and look at Pao.
I want more. Much more of it.
Pao stretches his finger towards me, and I open my mouth. There he puts it in his own mouth and sucks it with pleasure.
No, I'm not going to get anymore!
No matter how much I want it!
Adam takes turns eating and feeding me my food. I feel strangely aroused.
Every bite he pushes into my mouth reminds me of the kiss and my body reacts with an excitement that soon becomes impossible to ignore.
I eat greedily and can hardly wait for the end of the meal and what will come after. Adam keeps touching my face and looking at my erect nipples under my shirt. His breath goes faster. He's getting hard, I know it.
Pao also seems to be looking more and more intensely at the emptying plates. I hurry to eat up so that the sex that must come now can finally begin. When I'm done, Pao says,
"Wait for us here. We'll be back soon." and the two men go into their bedroom.
The door closes behind them and I sit there staring after them. I'm aroused, hot, greedy for touch and I can't even touch myself.
I know what they are doing in there, even though I can't hear anything except music that started as soon as the door closed.
I imagine them having sex with each other, Pao's cock disappearing into Adam's muscular ass, and Adam moaning with pleasure.
I didn't want to see it all these years, didn't want to know about it, and now I want it so much.
They are fucking in their bedroom; and I am not invited!!!
I want to see them fuck each other out of their minds; and I want to be invited into that room!
And I will be!
Is this my punishment? Can Pao really be that cruel?
I close my eyes and try to calm down. Apparently now begins a very interesting time in my life.
The answer to my first stupid question in it is a resounding "yes".
Pao can be so cruel!
He wants power over me!
I sit down more comfortably and try to control my excited body.
Images of both men and last night run through my mind; and my lips still burn very pleasantly.
I take a few deep breaths and decide to analyze my situation as long as I am alone. I know both of them as friends, not as lovers or sex partners. But they also know me only as a friend and roommate.
They have an advantage.
They have been watching me for a long time and have planned all this. I had no idea.
What am I to them now? A sex toy? Sure, that's what Pao would like to have in me.
But Adam wants me.
He took me greedily and lost control for a short time when he was inside me. It was so good that I don't even want to think about it now. Do I want him to do that again?
Yes!
Pao doesn't want me to touch him. He wants total control over what happens. He licked me and brought me to orgasm over and over again because he could because he was capable. And he will do it again.
His new, calm; commanding tone unintentionally excites me beyond belief.
Does he know that? Probably not yet.
That could be my advantage.
Because it also excites him enormously when he demonstrates his power over me.
Good. I can work with that.
We have always talked a lot; and the silence that now reigns in the apartment is so sex-loaded that I like it slowly.
I would have questions and would like to know some of the two, but I will not ask anything.
The game can be played by both sides.
They have been watching me for months or longer. It obviously turned them on.
What they did in their bedroom afterward, I'd rather not know, but knowing that they both want me in their own way brings a little power that I will use.
I let my head hang back and relax as best I can.
Thinking about Adam's kisses, touches, and the fact that I'm not supposed to touch them myself. Well, it will be hard for me not to touch them, but that is exactly what is so exciting.
I will keep my hands and lips with me until they beg for me to use them. Pao wouldn't have put his finger in my mouth if he didn't like it.
Now he may imagine how it would be to feel my lips around his cock. I involuntarily bite my lips, wanting to feel the burning again.
The door behind my back opens, but I don't move and close my eyes.
You want to play boys? Let's play.
I sit up straight again as they enter the kitchen. Pao is warming up his food and Adam steps over to me to take off my shackles.
I don't look at him. He unties the ropes from my wrists and I remain sitting motionless, lost in my own thoughts. As Pao puts his food on the table, I slowly get up and then fill the dishwasher.
Then I put on some coffee. I'm in the mood for coffee. I know I could go to my room now; but I don't want to be alone. The coffee machine hums and spreads a pleasant aroma of coffee. I stand at the window and wait. I am directly in Adam's field of view. If he's been watching me this long, he'll do it again.
I put my wrists crossed on my back and then grab my right wrist with my left hand. Serene and relaxed, I remain standing like this. Does this remind him of something? It should.
After a while, I go to my room and get my book. I go back and sit down in the armchair where I always read and pretend to read. Lost in thought, I take the barrette out of my hair and let it fall forward over my shoulders.
Adam always liked to play with my hair. As a friend.
What was he really going to do with it when he pretended to just randomly stroke my hair out of my face?
The coffee is ready and I wordlessly fill 3 cups. I know how the men drink their coffee and which cups they prefer. I put the men's cups on the table as usual and go back to my chair. The silence in the kitchen is so tense that I have to be careful not to trip over my own feet. For not a second have I looked at either of them. Now they have a mystery.
After a while, my body quiets down and I can actually concentrate on my book.
I don't know how much time has passed when I hear Adam's voice above me.
"We're going for a run, want to come?" I look at him, a little too long, like I'm thinking.
"No, I don't feel like running."
"We'd love to have you with us, though," it sounds from the other side, and it doesn't sound at all like an invitation or a question. I turn my head to Pao and look openly into his beautiful face. I don't even notice that I'm licking my lips. Then I get up without a word and go to get dressed.
You want to run with me? Have my sweaty body next to you? Hear my accelerated breathing like the night before?
Will be my pleasure, guys! I want sex with you and I will get it. Much sooner than you think!