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Introduction:

The second chapter in the series. This might be hard to read for some, but I want to convey that this will not be a fairy tale, but in time, things will change drastically. Also, this is actually the first story I'm showing to anyone, so any criticism and tips on how to improve my writing are appreciated.
I don’t know why I suddenly woke up, and I don’t know how I reacted so quickly, but I’m glad I did.

I opened my eyes as soon as I heard the sound. It came from behind us. I jerked my head back, trying to see anyone, and I saw something approach me. It was still dark, but I could swear it was a man. I was confused and was starting to slowly lie Renay down on the ground.
‘Hey! Who are you?’ Wrong question. ‘I mean, where are we?’ The man just stood there in the shadows, standing perfectly still. Am I just imagining him? I was starting to doubt myself when I was suddenly grabbed by neck from behind. I immediately lost my breath and the person that was holding me had a really tight grip on my head, so I couldn’t breathe. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I started flailing my arms around trying to grab the person choking me, but to no avail. I was just uselessly grabbing air. The other man emerged from the shadows, but he was wearing a hood, so his face was still obscured. He quickly moved to Renay and straddled over her, pinning her arms down above her head. She just now woke up, confused. It didn’t take long for her to realise what was going to happen and she started struggling and screaming in fear. She jerked her head every way possible, trying to squirm free from the man’s grip, and saw me getting choked. She screamed my name, begging for my help, but I couldn’t do anything.
The man on top of Renay pulled out a knife with one hand, still holding her hands down with the other. With a skilled hand he cut right through her clothes, precisely so he wouldn’t cut into her skin and moved the clothes to the side. Her breasts came into view, and despite the circumstances I couldn’t help but admire their beauty. They were perfect, and I started to get a boner as well. I couldn’t see her pussy as the man was blocking the view. The way he cut through her clothes, I thought that he must have done that countless times before, and I got so mad. He pulled down his trousers to reveal his own dick. Tears were streaming down Renay’s face, and I felt my own eyes water up as well.
’Shut the fuck up,’ the man said and he brought his fist down on Renay’s face three times, and I could feel the impact from here. With every punch, I could hear Renay whimper. I felt so useless and helpless, unable to do anything. The man behind me started pulling harder as he put his knee in my back to push me forward. I was starting to lose consciousness, my sight slowly turning hazy. Then I remembered the other man pulling out a knife, and I immediately and blindly reached for the place where the other man had his knife, hoping to find the hilt of the knife. I was in luck! I felt something hard and grabbed it. I pulled the knife out of its sheath and swung it will all my power into the arm of the man choking me. He screamed out and loosened his grip. I pulled the knife out and quickly slipped out of his grip. I’m lucky I’m so flexible. I ran for the man on top of Renay, who had his dick positioned just at her entrance. I ran as fast as I could, thinking about where we were and who these men were. No time to worry about that, I have to save her before anything happens. I went blind with rage and when I reached the man I plunged the knife into his side with all my weight behind it. The man screeched as he was thrown to the side. As I stood up and looked at the man I realised what I had just done. I just killed a man! I felt myself starting to panic, thinking about the consequences, but I shrugged it away. Right now I had to help Renay. She was crying, still lying on the ground, her clothes covering nothing. She had almost no pubic hair and very pink lips. This is NOT the time to look at her like that, she’s almost been raped for god’s sake!

I know you guys might think I’m a pervert and a bad person for looking at her at such a time, but what can I say…… I’m just a teenager, but I immediately regretted it, okay!

I quickly ran over to her and picked her up in my arms and ran away as fast as I could. I could feel Renay holding onto me tightly now and I could still hear her crying. Luckily I’m pretty athletic, or I wouldn’t have been able to carry her this fast and this far. I ran into the forest, hoping to lose them if the other guy decided to follow us.
After running for about fifteen minutes I felt my body almost shut down. The adrenaline had worn off and I stopped. I put Renay down next to a rather big tree compared to all the others. I had a weird feeling in my gut, but I couldn’t tell what it was. Renay’s crying had stopped, and she had been quiet for quite a while now. She was curled up like, her knees pulled to hide her face. I slowly approached her and sat down next to her. I was catching my breath, when she finally leaned against me. I put my arm around her, like I had done before we went to sleep, but this time I felt her skin, which was both cold and warm at the same time. I had forgotten she was half naked!
‘Wait, Renay, I can’t leave you like this. Here,’ I said as I pulled my shirt over my head and handed it to her. ‘Take my shirt.’
She looked up at me with those beautiful but sad eyes and I saw a small glint in them as she looked at me. She gave me a faint smile as she said: ‘Thank you.’
She grabbed my shirt and turned around. ‘Do you mind…’
‘Oh right!’ I said embarrassed and turned around.
‘You can look back again,’ she said.
I turned around and she looked good in my shirt, though it was a bit too big for her. It reached halfway down to her knees. That’s when I saw her clutching onto the shirt, making sure it stayed in place, covering her pussy.
‘What are we going to do about that?’ I asked. ‘I could give you my jeans, but I think they wouldn’t be very comfortable, you would probably just be tripping over them.’
‘No, that’s fine, you’re shirt’s long enough, thanks. Plus, what would you wear? My jeans aren’t exactly your size, and you’d have a big hole in the front.’ She tried to joke, but she delivered it in a really sad way. She moved her head away, but I could see she was holding back her tears. I pulled her close to me and I held her in my arms.
‘You don’t have to hold back,’ I said and she started crying, screaming almost and I could feel her warm tears fall on my chest and flow down.
‘Th…’ I heard her say under her ragged breaths.
‘What?’
‘Thank you!’ She cried. ‘Thank you for saving me. Thank you so much!’
‘You don’t have to thank me. I was nearly too late. He had almost done something. I’m sorry for not being able to help earlier.’
‘No. You saved me. If you hadn’t taken him off me and taken me away, I don’t know what I would have done. Thank you, thank you, thank you David.’
What did she mean by “I don’t know what I would have done”?
‘Nothing…’ She said.
I realised I was thinking out loud again.

After what felt like a very long time, her crying stopped again, and she hugged me back. We were standing there still when I heard footsteps. I froze and looked around carefully. I heard the sound of leaves cracking somewhere behind me. I turned around and held Renay behind me. This time, I’m not going to let anything happen to her.
I heard something breathing heavily, and then something that resembled a dog came into view. It stood there and looked at us. I say resembled a dog as it wasn’t like any dog I’d ever seen. It was much bigger, for one. Second, it’s canine teeth were like saberteeth, and it’s claws were huge as well. It had very long ears and it had sharp bones sticking out of its nose, and his eyes were framed by fierce bones as well. It was almost unsettling, and it wasn’t like anything I had ever seen before. Its tail ended in a sharp point. It slowly approached us and then smelled us. I could only stand there, in shock. The whole experience was surreal.
‘Lyrrheal, iin threl thanas?’ The… thing looked back, and I saw a robed man appear from behind a tree. He was wearing a faded green robe. When he saw us standing there, he stood still. Then he smiled at us.
‘Lyrrheal seems to like you. Don’t worry, he’s harmless. I know most Yanthra are dangerous, but this one isn’t, I can assure you,’ he said in a deep but soothing voice.
I was confused. ‘Yanthra? What’s that?’
That seemed to surprise the man. ‘You’ve never heard of a Yanthra before? Hmm… Where do you come from?’
‘The man had an accent I couldn’t place. ‘America.’
‘America? Do you take me for a fool? I’ve traveled around the world, and studied all the cultures there are in Torr Réerin and I’ve never heard of America.’
‘Torr Réerin? Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Sir? Oh I’m no knight, boy. I’m a mage. Don’t you dare compare me with a knight. And you claim you haven’t heard of Torr Réerin, the famous mage tower of learning? You really do take me for a fool, don’t you?’
‘Sir… err, mage, I don-‘
‘You can call me Wellín’
‘Okay, Wellin, can you tell us where we are?’
Wellín sighed. ‘You’re in Alyrium, boy.’
3 comments

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-04-12 01:37:27
I concur with with anonymous reader 2016-04-08 02:03:37. The story has my interest and a lot of potential to become great. However, you need to pay attention to your characters. Think about why you want to write about them. What is interesting about them and how did they become to behave as they do now. Flesh out their past as the story developes, and always ask yourself why are a they behaving or reacting as they are. As you do this you will find that the characters will become more real and even take on a life of their own. Good luck, I look forward to your next chapter. Respectfully, DivineComedy001.

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-04-08 02:03:37
You're on the cusp of having a story here but you need to work on a few things. First, tone down your main characters arrogance, his opinion of himself is far too high and unrealstic given the situation. Life is full of people and young adults that overly emphasize their looks and abilities. This is annoying enough in life that very few want to read about it in fictional stories.

Second, you need to flesh your chapters out some more. Details and descriptive language are highly useful tools. Dezcribe sights, smells, tastes, etc. think of the "five senses." For example you stated the girls hair smelled good, okay but what do mean by that? When its time for sex scenes detail and description is everything. What does her pussy, ass, etc. smell like, what sounds do they make? Avoid cliches, "Her pussy smelled and tasted like a ripe peach." Realism is what most readers look for, pussy and butts dont smell like peaches unless covered in peach jam or the like. Best of luck!!

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-04-06 13:00:50
Cool story ok build up maybe make it a little longer

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