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Introduction:

For the first time, Jack faces the pain of loss.
Chapter Five:



Jack stepped into his living room, where his father was crying on the couch. Victoria was standing in the next room, trying to think of something to say when Jack returned.

“So is it true?”

“Yes, she died on impact. From the tire marks on the road, the other driver had definitely been swerving and the smell of booze was clear. To think, this happens right before your birthday…”

“It doesn’t matter when it happened, the pain is all the same. We should not dread or loathe the future, but be grateful for our past. Just because mom is gone now does not lessen how happy she made us before. It is good to miss someone and feel pain at their loss, it shows how much they meant to us and how much we cared about them. But never should we feel like our lives are empty without them, because we will always have the time we spent together in our memories, our love for them, and the knowledge that they never truly left us. Don’t worry about me, while I shall mourn from now and even afterwards, I should not dread the 21st. Goodnight, Dad.”

Jack walked out of the room and moved silently past Victoria, but as she reached out to him, he ignored her and began climbing up the stairs. She followed him to his room, closing the door behind her. Jack stood in the middle of the room, not saying anything or even moving. Victoria looked around, noting the details of his very Spartan bedroom. True to his words, there was no bed, only a met on the floor with a depression worn in and some pillows. Except for his desk and bureau, the only real furniture was his bookshelf, filled with CDs, cassette tapes, and even records. Jack turned to her, his smile returned but weakened with sadness.

“This is the first time I have experienced what people call loss. I must admit, I didn’t think it would be this potent. I wonder if even the most enlightened monk is saddened by the loss of a loved one.”

Rushing forward, Victoria wrapped her arms around Jack’s neck and held him tightly. “Jack, I am so sorry, I don’t even know what to say. I wish there was something I could say, something I could do, just something to make you feel better. I know you’re hurting, I know how it feels to lose family, but I don’t know what it’s like to lose a mom. I’m sorry Jack, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you, Victoria. I’m lucky to have you.”

“What can I do for you to make you feel better? Do you want me to give you space? To stay with you? To comfort you? I’ll do anything you ask, I’ll do anything I can to lessen your pain.”

Instead of answering, Jack walked past her to his CD player and inserted a disk of instrumental music. As the soft fluttering notes of the flute moved through the room like a listing butterfly, Jack moved to the corner of the room where he meditated and sat down.

“Will you sit with me?”

“Of course,” she answered, sitting down on one of the pillows in front of him and holding his hands.

Jack closed his eyes and became still, mediating with Victoria just watching him, clutching his hands. Save for the two lovers’ breathing, the gentle music was the only sound in the room, but as the third song faded out, Victoria’s back began to get sore.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Jack asked without opening his eyes.

“Oh, no, I’m fine.”

“It’s all right, do whatever you like to make yourself comfortable. I don’t want you to be with me at your expense. I don’t want you to be sore to make me happy.”

Jack then opened his eyes in slight surprise as Victoria lied down in front of him with her head in his lap.

“Tell me if you get uncomfortable, I’ll move or do anything you want to make you happy,” she murmured.

“Thank you, Victoria. I’m blessed to have you in my life,” he replied with a small smile while he stroked her long scarlet hair.

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“Kelly, Tyler, I didn’t expect you to come,” Jack said, climbing out of his dad’s car and stepping onto the parking lot beside the local church.

Wearing a black dress, Victoria climbed out of the back seat. “I told Kelly about your mom and I guess she told Tyler. I’m sorry, Jack, I should have asked you before telling her.”

“No, I’m glad they came, just like I’m glad you came.”

“Jack, I’m so sorry about your mom. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you,” Kelly said. Like Victoria, she was wearing a black dress for the funeral.

“We should get inside, everyone is waiting for us,” Jack’s dad said, getting out of the car.

Stepping forward, Tyler held out his hand. “Mr. Owen, I’m sorry about your wife. If she’s anything like Jack, she must have been a very kind and smart woman.”

With a sad smile, Harold shook the young man’s hand and thanked him.

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In the main hall of the church, a line of friends and family slowly moved past the open casket of Jack’s mother. She had been placed in a black dress and any scratches or injuries from the car crash had been hidden with makeup by the coroner. In the background, Victoria, Ellie, and Tyler stood, wanting to stay out of the way while everyone mourned.

Under their watch, Jack came up to the casket and placed his hand on his mom’s cold shoulder. “Thank you for everything, especially for letting me have known you.”

The words spoken, he walked over to his friends.

“I know how you feel, Jack, I lost my sister five years ago and it completely wrecked my life. Only recently have I been able to come to terms with it and I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for her death, but meeting you has been a lot of help,” said Tyler.

“The pain of losing a loved one is the same for everyone. While the role that person might have played or the relationship they were in may be different, as long as people love someone, they will all mourn him or her the same way and with the same intensity. Thank you.”

“I may have not known your mom for very long, but each day I talked to her, I could see and appreciate the kind of person she was. She was a wonderful woman.” Victoria said softly.

“Thank you, that means a lot to me.”

“I don’t know what to say that will help, other than I am sorry for your loss. All I can really do is promise you that I will help you in any way that I can.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Taking a deep breath, Jack’s father approached them. “We should take our seats, the ceremony is about to start.”

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Jack’s father stood at the podium, with Laurie’s casket behind him. “Laurie was my wife, the mother of my son, and the love of my life. She was kind to everyone, a gentle soul, and the sweetest girl you could ever meet. I met her when we attended USM, and from the moment I saw her, I knew I loved her. She became my light, my dream, and my hope for the future. I considered every day that we were together a blessing, and the day we married to be the happiest day of my life. We built a home together, joined our two futures into one, and raised a son that quickly became the most amazing and wisest man I had ever met, even as a child. The night she died, Jack said that while she may be gone, we will never lose the time we had together. For that, I am truly grateful, grateful to Laurie for giving me the greatest twenty years of my life, and grateful to our son, who will never let me devalue my memories of her,” he said, wiping away tears.

He left the podium to return to his seat, and while everyone clapped, Victoria squeezed Jack’s hand.

The priest then stepped forward and announced, “Laurie’s son, Jack Owen, would now like to speak.”

With a stoic look on his face, Jack stood up and made his way down the aisle to give his own speech. Standing behind the podium, he took a deep breath and looked out over the crowd with his usual enlightened smile.

“Of all the things I am grateful for, from raising me, loving me, and sheltering me, what I value most from my mother is that I knew her. It is not material possessions that make us happy, but the bonds we share and the people in our lives. Humans have such a short lifespan, we are barely a flash of lightning compared to the eons that have passed for the aging universe. We live for less than a hundred years, but we are dead for the rest of eternity. You could almost say that living things are merely organisms that have not passed on yet.

But if that is true, then doesn’t the same thinking work in reverse? In truth, no one is truly born and no one truly dies, for the matter and energy that makes us all has existed and will exist for all of eternity. My personal philosophy is that half of reality is how it is interpreted, so while many people here may regard my mother as having passed on, I see her as still existing, even if it’s in a way that I can’t quite sense. While she may not be alive in the traditional sense, she has existed since the beginning of time and will exist until time’s end.

The body we all hugged and were hugged by was and is still made of atoms crafted in the stars themselves, the kindness and warmth we all knew, fueled by neural pulses and then released back into the universe as pure energy. We may all feel like we have lost her, like there is a hole in our hearts that can never be filled, but she has only truly left us if that is how we see her. Even if her body has been returned to the matter from which she was made, I know she exists and will always exist. The energy that powered her kind heart and made her the person we all knew and loved, even if it has been scattered across the universe in an undetectable form, still exists and is still as powerful as it always was.

While she may be in a form that our human senses cannot perceive, she will always be with us, just as she always has. You see her death as untimely, but I see it has the early metamorphosis of someone we loved turning back into a part of the universe around us. I know this sounds like just a science lecture, but I’m hoping that everyone can understand and will realize that even if someone dies, whether it be our fault or an event destined by time itself, they will always exist, they are nothing less than what they were when they were alive, even if we can’t see them that way. Even if my mother is dead, I am happy, for I know it only means that she has taken a new form and is still with me. To everyone here, I hope that the next time someone you love passes on, you realize that they are only gone if you perceive them to be, and in truth, they are never any less of a part of your life. Thank you.”

His words drew thunderous applause, and as he returned to his seat, everyone reached out to pat him on the back. In his seat, Tyler had his face in his hands and was crying tears of both mourning and joy. This was the final step, this was what he needed to hear to finally be at peace. Jack, both in his dreams and reality, had taught him the true meaning of his sister’s death. The pain she felt was only a perception, what happened wasn’t his fault, and even if he could no longer touch or talk to his sister, she still existed and would always be with him. He could finally move on and be at peace.

Jack took his seat beside Victoria and she clung to his arm.

“That was beautiful Jack, that was so beautiful. I guess your dad and I have something in common, in that you’re the most amazing and wisest man we’ve ever met.”

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It was late into the night, and Jack and Victoria were sitting in the Owen living room. Jack’s father had long since gone to bed, and now the two teenagers were just talking and sharing memories while drinking from steaming cups of hot chocolate. Crackling in the brick fireplace, a small inferno stubbornly clung to life and warmed the room. In the background, smooth jazz played, a sad melody to fit the mood of the day. The doors to the living room were closed, ensuring that they had complete and total privacy.

“My mom used to tell me that she believed in reincarnation, simply because she thought I was an enlightened monk reborn.”

“It’s hard to imagine even you being so smart while only a little kid. I’m surprised she didn’t think you were an alien.”

“For all we know, she might have. I guess we’ll never be sure,” Jack said with a sad smile.

“Jack, have you cried yet?” Victoria asked hesitantly.

“No, I see no need to. Shedding tears achieves nothing but catharsis, but if one can reach that state without crying, then tears become obsolete. I have come to terms with the loss, I don’t need to cry.”

Victoria placed her delicate hand on his cheek. “Jack, it’s all right to be vulnerable. You don’t have to act like you aren’t hurting,”

“I do feel it, I do miss her. But my words from today still hold their meaning. She is not gone, she has only become something else, and even if she has taken a form that my senses cannot detect, I know that she still exists, and that is enough o make me happy. Though I would by lying if I said that I wouldn’t prefer her original form.”

“I love you Jack, and that is why it brings me heartache to see you in pain. But you know, it’s kind of nice seeing you this way. It’s nice to finally see you being a little bit vulnerable, it makes me want to hold you and take care of you. I want to be able to make you happy, and I finally have the chance to do that, even if it means taking the pain away from a wounded heart.”

“You do make me happy. For even with all the knowledge I’ve acquired about humans, it is only when I’m with you that I truly feel like I understand them. On my first day back, I told you that I loved everyone and everything, including you, but now I love you more than anything else.”

“Jack, please just answer me this one thing: do you feel any pain or sadness right now after what happened today?”

“Yes, I do.”

With a sad but tender smile, Victoria stood up and removed her dress, wearing nothing but her underwear. Reaching back, she released the clasp and let her bra slip away, exposing her young firm breasts. Seductively shaking her hips from side to side, she pulled her thong down her long smooth legs and let them drop down to the floor. Moving back onto the couch, she straddled Jack’s lap, instantly feeling him become hard with arousal.

“Then let me help you feel better. Let me comfort you. Use me however you want to make yourself happy, ask me to do something and I will obey,” she said softly, pressing her forehead against his. She then leaned back as Jack raised his hands and placed them on the sides of her angelic face, staring into her brilliantly blue sapphire eyes.

“Please, just stay here with me.”

“Of course,” she said before they began to kiss.

While their lips joined and separated over and over again, Jack began unbuttoning his dress shirt without a single shake or tremor. As the last button became unfastened and Jack began pulling the shirt off his shoulders, Victoria quickly moved off him so that he could stand up and completely undress. Turning back around, Jack gazed upon Victoria and smiled. She was bent over the arm of the couch, shaping her shapely ass at him seductively with a coy smile on her face.

“Use me however you want to make yourself happy.”

Smiling, Jack got down on one knee on the floor and ran his tongue up her tight young ass, drawing shivers of arousal from Victoria. Over and over again, he kissed her deliciously soft flesh, massaging it with his hands and sampling her unique essence with his tongue. After less than half a minute, Jack spread her cheeks and flitted his tongue between the lips of her pussy.

“Oh God, Jack, that feels so good,” Victoria blushingly whimpered while he worked both his tongue and thumb inside her.

“I could say the same for you, your delectable flavor is downright euphoric. It tastes like I’m sampling your very soul, and it is truly delicious,” he replied before doubling his efforts, using his tongue and his lips to energize every nerve and send waves of bliss rushing through her body.

‘Damn, how is he so good at this?!’ Victoria wondered.

With each minute that passed by, Victoria’s self-control plummeted further and further and she began losing the ability to differentiate the different waves of pleasure pumping through her veins. All she knew was that she wanted more.

“Please, please put it in me. You’re driving me so crazy that I can’t take it any longer,” she moaned once he finally pulled away, leaving her tantalizingly close to a mind-shattering climax.

“I thought this was supposed to be for me,” Jack teased, standing up behind and running his hands across her sculpted rear.

Victoria laughed softly. “You’re right, sorry for being selfish.”

“You asked me to do anything that would make me happy, but to make you happy is the only way I can be,” he said, leaning over and running kisses up her back.

Standing up straight, Jack made sure he had a good hold on her hips and slowly entered her pussy. Feeling herself getting mounted, Victoria gave a soft moan as Jack penetrated her at an angle she had not yet experienced. Jack worked himself all the way inside of her, licking his lips at the indescribable feeling of her interior, so soft, warm, and wet. It was pure heaven for his cock, squeezing and trembling against it with each fluttering beat of her heart. Holding onto her, Jack pulled out until only the head was inside her, then pushed himself back in with a hearty clap of her ass against his lap.

Groaning from the sensation of Jack’s manhood driving deep into her, Victoria held onto the couch as he began to pull back out. Building a rhythm, Jack moved back and forth inside of her, increasing in speed and power with each shove. Under the power of his thrusts, Victoria was left chewing on the couch, terrified of her moans leaving the room. In less than a minute, Jack was basically hammering away at her with almost animalistic speed, slamming the deepest corners of her cunt and creating a loud continuous clapping sound of Victoria’s flesh against his. Her body felt so good and she looked so beautiful, he wanted to keep fucking her forever.

Victoria was in complete ecstasy, unable to describe the feeling of getting penetrated over again with such power and speed. Jack was basically riding her like his life depended on it and was fucking her at levels of intensity just short of brutal, and Victoria loved all of it. He was at the perfect speed for her and it was driving her wild. No matter how animalistic or inhuman his beat became, she could always feel love within his movements. Pushing herself up onto her elbows, she rocked back and forth with each slam from Jack, moaning into the crook of her arm and watching as her C-cup breasts bounced and jiggled wildly.

“Jack, don’t cum inside of me, I have an idea. Lie down.”

“All right,” he grunted, coming to a stop and gently pulling out of her.

He lied down on the couch and she kneeled over him, almost sitting on his legs. Bending over, she wrapped her fingers around his cock and began stroking it next to her face, which was practically glowing with love.

“I’ve never done this before and I’m nervous, but I love you too much to not try and satisfy you in every way. I doubt I’m as good as Kelly, but let’s see what I can do.”

Holding her head over his erect cock, Victoria nervously hesitated for a moment before sticking out her tongue and licking the tip. Jack shivered from the sensual touch and released a soft groan as she licked it again, this time wrapping her tongue around the head and slathering it. Stroking the shaft and beginning to feel confident, she took the head in her mouth, working it with her lips while tickling the tip with her tongue. Listening to Jack and feeling him shake with each movement she made, Victoria began to feel prideful in her work and took his cock deeper in her mouth, bringing it in as far as she could without gaging.

Moving her head side to side, she used her cheeks to massage the head while wrapping her tongue around the shaft. Now knowing what she was doing, she began bobbing her head up and down, sucking his cock with horny enthusiasm. While she worked, Jack gently and lovingly stroked her hair with his usual calm smile. As time passed, Victoria becoming more and more creative as she worked, using every single corner of her mouth, playfully biting down ever so softly, or she would even stop blowing him and massage his cock between her breasts. Through her efforts, Jack could feel his body reaching its limit.

“Victoria, turn around. I want us to finish at the same time.”

Getting up, Victoria turned herself around and lowered herself onto him, letting him gorge himself on her sweet pussy while she continued to suck him off. Their bodies pressed together like yin and yang, Victoria and Jack worked tirelessly to pleasure each other, and quickly, their efforts took affect. The two lovers began to shake as their bodies were filled with trembling warmth, both reading each other and the signs in their own bodies. Sensing Victoria about to cum, Jack sent his tongue and lips as far into her pussy as possible and licked her out almost aggressively, while Victoria, sensing Jack’s approaching orgasm, took his entire cock in her mouth kept her head still, deep-throating him.

Finally, the two lovers both came, with Victoria splashing Jack with her euphoric juices and Jack firing jet after jet of semen into her throat while leaving her mouth clean. Gasping for air, the teenagers separated and lied side by side, looking up at the ceiling.

“That was wonderful,” Victoria purred, turning back around and curling up next to Jack with her arm across his chest.

“That was, thank you.”

“Was I better than Kelly? Be honest.”

“In terms of skill, her experience clearly gives her an advantage. But when I was with her, I didn’t feel anything, because there were no feelings between us. She actually had to tell me to cum because she couldn’t get me to. But with you, I could truly feel your feelings for me, and that was what made it so hard to keep my body under control. Although, now that I think about it, she and I were out in the freezing cold, so some numbness was to be expected. I guess—”

“Oh shut up!” she laughed while playfully smacking him.

“Sorry. By the way, my dad and I have to leave tomorrow. We have some relatives down in Washington DC that weren’t in good enough health to travel, so the least we can do is fly down and visit them.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“Don’t worry, just a couple days or so. We’ll stop in New York on the way, spend the night in DC, fly back to New York, and then be back in the evening.”

“All right, I just wonder if I’ll be able to go that long without you.”

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“I finally understand, I can finally see my sister’s death for what it really was,” Tyler said, standing in his dreamscape, facing Jack. But unlike all the times before, the black backdrop had been replaced with an encompassing scrapbook of old memories, some playing like video clips and others frozen in time like photographs.

“And what was it?”

“All this time, I thought pain was something real, something that can be physically measured. But really, it is a perception and a reaction to an event. What those people did to her wasn’t what hurt her, it was how she perceived it and gave it meaning that caused the real harm. She wasn’t able to choose what happened to her, she didn’t get to choose to be raped, but the pain she felt was an illusion brought on by social stigma and social meaning. In reality, any act could have caused the same damage as what she went through, but she had been shaped by society to view what happened to her in that way.

I blamed myself for her death because I needed to feel like I could have done something. I needed to feel like even for a moment, even if it involved shameful failure, I had power. I needed to feel like I had a choice. But really, everything is predetermined by time. What happened was unavoidable; it was the result of all the variables lining up at their destined points. Whatever happens is the only possible route as dictated by time and the variables. There is no point considering the past or alternate futures since there can be only one present. Every decision I make has already been made, but that decision can only be made if I have the capability to make it, since each effect needs a fitting cause. Everything I do is predetermined by fate, but that makes my decisions and choices no less real.

I’ve always thought that it was because of my weakness that my sister was robbed of her life, but you taught me that even if I can’t see or hear her, she is no less real than when she was alive. The atoms that made her body will exist for all eternity along with mine, and the energy that powered her mind and made her who she was has been dispersed back out into the universe, returning to what it once was. Else had existed since the beginning of time and will exist with me for all eternity, it was only the form that I projected onto her that was lost. And even if I can not touch her or speak to her, the memories I have of her will always be real and the effect she has had on me and how she has shaped me into the person I am will always exist.

My sister still exists in another form, her pain was only an illusion, and there is no reason to feel blame for anything unless I am meant to as dictated by time.”

He breathed a sigh of relief as years of pain and stress were finally released.

“But just to be sure…” Jack said before walking over and delivering a solid punch straight to Tyler’s nose, breaking it and causing blood to trickle out.

Tyler staggered back but didn’t touch his nose or make a sound.

“Did that hurt?”

“Very.”

“But do you mind that it hurts?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Congratulations, Tyler, you have learned to shed the weights of your consciousness and you are now ready to uncover the Self. However, this is not a lesson that can be given in a dream, it is something I must teach you in real life.”

“Wait, what are you talking about?”
“I’m leaving on a trip, and in three days, I shall teach you, Kelly, and Victoria how to find your Selves. I’m certain that they are close to reaching the same level of catharsis as you.”

“Wait, you mean this is real?!”

“Of course! It’s like I told you, just because this is just a dream or all in your mind, does that make it any less real?”

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“I think I’ve finally figured it out, at east part of it anyways,” said Kelly.

“Oh? Please explain,” Jack asked.

Lying back on the invisible floor of her dreamscape, Kelly looked up into the infinite darkness. “The Self is the source of everything, it is our opinions, our thoughts, our emotions, our true self-worth, the sum of our parts, and the pure root of who we are. But the Superego is how we display ourselves, how we make ourselves look in order to try and control how we are perceived. In essence, the Superego is how we react to people and what we become to make them like us and also in reaction to who they are. The Superego is basically the screen that everyone projects their perception of someone onto. My identity is shaped by my reaction to how people perceive me, and I change myself so that people can either like me or hate me, and in their reaction to how I portray myself, I too react and rearrange who I am according to their perceptions. The Superego is shaped by the people around us and how they see us and wee see them. If you live your whole life without ever encountering another person, your Superego is shaped by their absence.”

“So who are you?”

“I am Kelly Ross, friend of Jack Owen, Victoria Ellie, and Tyler Deck. I like jazz music and my favorite things to watch are shows on Animal Planet. I hate gym class, judgmental people, misogynistic politicians, and being alone. When I grow up, I want to be a bar tender and own a night club.”

She finally knew, she finally knew who she was.

“Congratulations, you’re a third of the way to finding your Self. Your next step is to uncover why you distanced yourself from your Superego and why you subconsciously hid your identity from yourself. I strongly believe that there is a reason why it was so hard for you to figure out who you are, and that reason ties into one of the fundamental aspects of human nature. If you can figure out what that barrier is that blocked you off from your identity, then it is a straight shot to the Self.”

Lying on her back, Kelly looked over to Jack and smiled. “No one has ever believed in me before, no one has ever helped me this much. Thank you, Jack, thank you for everything.”




Please comment! I'm dying here!
8 comments

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-12-26 03:48:04
Love this so very much it has help my girlfriend through a few things. We both can't wait for the next chapter.

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-12-22 17:24:17
Love this so very much it has help my girlfriend through a few things. We both can't wait for the next chapter.

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-12-22 16:05:20
Love this so very much it has help my girlfriend through a few things. We both can't wait for the next chapter.

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-12-22 08:02:54
I want to thank you. Not only are you an amazing author, but sitting and reading though Jack's beliefs, that are very similar to my own, helped me remember my true self. Having hidden from view the person I know myself to be to please others, this story spoke to me in a way I hadn't realized I had needed. I'll be awaiting the next chapter.

Anonymous readerReport 

2016-12-20 21:15:12
I skiped the sex parts. But to tell you the truth this story helps one to find who they are bravo.

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