BBW Chronicles

After my Blue period, I’d decided that I was never going to be that Hard Up for … whatever again. I began trolling the net, in particular dating sites.

Why, you might ask…

.. I just didn’t wanna settle anymore. I thought about all the times in the past that I’d been fixed up, picked or just a victim of circumstances with women that were to say the least .. “Toe Up from the Flo’ Up” … In particular I thought about my recent fixation on Johanna .. She was a fucking stick figure for Christ’s sake.

Rail muthafuckin thin … No tits, no ass to speak of .. Big gumball type head and all.

What did I see in her anyway?

Who cared about her gentle nature and soft liquid eyes .. Eyes that were big, round and expressive …Hidden behind large librarian glasses with slightly tinted frames .. Eyes that just kinda drew you in … took you to a warm, safe place. Hazel in color … with long expressive lashes.

… and those lips … Big, juicy plump adorning her oval face.

She stared out at all the world with the expression akin to a sad puppy dog.

… but the wheels were turning behind those big expressive eyes. They always had been. I’d dealt myself out of the game … Toxic as it had become .. And I occasionally looked back in self loathing and disdain.

I silently admitted to myself … that I was experiencing “Sour G****s”

.. I was a Hater.
… and I was cool with it. I would allow myself that small bit of humanity. Admitting that singular weakness would always keep me strong.

I’d been trolling the web in search of my kind of woman .. A Big, Voluptuous, Curvy Vixen easy on the eyes … with a hint of a wild side.

…Somebody looking for a good time. A woman that understood that some of the best times, could be … found in the slightest of moments.

Yes, this time I would be as picky externally as I was psychologically inside. As I sat typing, I trolled down memory lane … all the times I’d shrugged my shoulders and banged some sub-standard version of my feminine ideal.
1
There was May … a co-worker two jobs prior.

She’d chased me all over the office from the moment I’d arrived. All I saw for the first two weeks when I moved in were her BIG, YELLOW TEETH grinning at me incessantly.

May was a BBW … Big Beautiful Woman … and you might be asking … “What was wrong with her since that’s what you’re about ?”

… Well quite simply speaking … May was a fuckin’ disappointment of a BBW in the very literal since.

She was a beautiful African American woman, her features reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat with it’s perpetual snaky smile … her sandy brown hair braided in neat corn rows reminding movie buff me … of Queen Latifah in that movie …

… what was it ?
.. Oh yeah, “Set It Off” … yeah that’s what I’m going for in this description.

May was into me and wasn’t shy about letting it be known around the office. It took another three weeks and a do nothing Saturday night before I relented and had her over to my flat for a movie night.

Halfway into sleepy Hollow, she played her hand quite literally when she shoved my zipper down and began vigorously jerking me off. Her enthusiasm inspired me and in short order we were spooning and conducting a treaty on heavy petting in my living room.

… This was where my extreme disappointment with May began …

… I dug my eager fingers into the layers of her outer vestments … a light blue cotton hoodie, a slight blue flannel shirt, an off white cotton tank top and finally, oh so finally into her sports bra to find … a small barely there set of saggy tits ?!!

… FUCK ME !! … I kinda pulled my hand out of the sweaty recesses of her multiple shirts and leaned back on the couch while she continued working her jeweled fingers on my suddenly receding cock.

… I played it off with a few phony complimentary moans, or at least I thought I did … She seemed to notice almost immediately that I was (Unknown to her) happily going soft … I intended to give her some bullshit about us being better as friends to explain away my flaccid member and thus escape a potential sexual encounter.

She was unknowing way ahead of my intended out as May suddenly shoved her mouth down on my cock.
2
In a few unfortunate moments I was afflicted with a raging boner and knew that I’d have to put out … Shit ! … The broad had fucking serious head skills !!

.. I knew what banging May would mean … There would be this awkward moment after we completed the deed that would be mind numbingly anticlimactic and both of us would work diligently for things to say to one another ..

.. I always had this stupid fantasy were I would bang the spit out of some extremely hot chick and immediately afterward, flip a nearby switch on some lamp or art fixture in the room … a secret door with a pole inside would open … and off I’d be “Batman Style” … leaving the awkward moment and chick with her literal ass in the air …

… Yeah, it’s nerdy and stupid , but I know I’m not alone in wanting to excise the idiotic moral ritual of talking after recreational sex … besides that when you usually find out what a douche either you or her are …

I decided to throw my lot in with May and loose myself in the moment … Besides, I am a serious Ass Man anyway. I reached over and began tugging away on her jeans. She grinned up at me with that fucking Cheshire cat smile of hers and stood up to take her pants off … She turned her back to me as she half struggled to yank the skin tight jeans down. Her hoodie covered her butt and I gave her a playful smack on the ass.

… there was no ass …
May didn’t have an ass … Big or other wise …

… In fact the shit felt like it was fucking inverted … How in the fuck could a BBW as cute as May have no tits and no fucking ass ?!! …

She shrugged off the rest of clothing in my cramped little living room and stood smiling before me with her hands demurely over her delicate bits …

… I felt like laughing … really ..

Felt like emitting a fucking belly laugh at the tan lined glory of May Denise Jeffries standing in my goddamn living room naked ..

… a carpenter’s dream … flat as a board and needs a screw …

She kicked the matted, flowery granny panties off and took two steps towards me as I hit the switch on a nearby lamp like a panic button.

… I doggie styled her on my poor couch recalling every decent lay I’d ever had .. And even that didn’t help .. In the end a combination of her eager hands and my imagination helped me cross the finish line …
3
It took two more hours to get her out of my place during which I treated to a rambling monologue regarding her ex-husband, her problems with certain office workers and shown every picture of her three k**s that she currently had in her massive handbag.

I felt like saying …

“Please … spare me the crap !! … Get the fuck on lady … You won. You tricked me with your multiple layers of clothing, your sneaky smiles that hold the promise of absolutely nothing and … last but not least .. The obligatory self obsessed conversation .. I don’t care .. Do you need a bus token ?”

Sounds mean don’t it ?

Well, consider that I wasn’t into her when I arrived a my place of employment seeking only a paycheck and nothing more. Yet through Machiavellian effort and perseverance on her part … I actually put out.

She just didn’t live up to the “Hype” of her own ceaseless self promotion. I unfortunately came [pun intended], saw and … was miserably unimpressed.

A platonic female friend expressed her disgust with my attitude and actually called me a pig when I regaled her of my experience with May.

I didn’t feel that I had behaved like a swine, but in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t have expressed myself so plainly to my associate. I had been honest in my non-interest in my coworker and yet, I had taken the cheese so to speak … when I got hot and heavy with her.

I’d bought the whole bag of bullshit when I’d unwrapped my polished turd that fateful Saturday night.
“Why was I a pig because I didn’t like a particular sexual experience I’d had with an over eager stalker at my place of employment ?”

So … I resolved to be completely honest in my attempts to seek the BBW booty call of my dreams…
… my Ad on the net went a little something like this.

Single black male currently residing in Los Angeles county ... Creative, deep thinking type with a love of beautiful, voluptuous creatures … Reasonably good looking, intellectual type ( yes, I wear glasses.)....RACE OPEN ... Beautiful ( Okay, easy on the eyes .)individual with a womanly body and an easy going demeanor. Must have things going on in their own circle. I'm looking for some one with an hour glass figure
( Preferably with a little more sand on the bottom.)
..Hey, it's my preference and I'm just being honest.
4
Yep, that was my open and honest internet ad which I spread liberally around on several sites including Yahoo & Google … but mostly on BBW sites … I figured that it would be easier there because that was my preference and that perhaps none of the women who responded to my ads would be inclined to lie about their stats.

… boy was I wrong …

… seriously, you wouldn’t believe some of the freaky ass messages that started to fill up my inbox.

It was a horrific comedy of Errors that read something like this ….


“ Who do you think you are putting conditions on your time ?!! You’re not hot anyway … Maybe if you looked like Djimon Hounsou … How big is your dick ?

Hipster Gurl

I don’t have no Big Ass or nothin’. I aint cute or curvy … but you should go out with me anyway. Men should like a woman for her personality. I’m a great girl and fuck you if you don’t wanna get to know me … I’m very funny.
P.S. I’ll be waiting for your call.
P.S. seriously … I want you to call me.
P.S. Fuck you if you don’t call me b*o’

Funny Snow Bunny

I want me some of that big phat nigger cock.
John E. Dangerously


Do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Personal Savior ?
Anonymous Asian


I got a strap-on with your name on it … First I do you, then maybe … just maybe… You do me.
Kiki

You still haven’t called me … fuck face.
P.S. I’m a very nice girl.
Funny Snow Bunny


5


What is your political affiliation ?
P.S. How big is your penis ?
Sammy


That last email was accompanied by an attached photo file of the ugliest, moose faced, butch looking, mushroomed haircut woman I have ever seen. Looked like fucking Lyle Lovett in drag or something. It was a goddamn Christmas photo that looked like it was taken by someone under extreme duress. It was slightly out of focus.

“Sammy” even had two small c***dren in the photo with her.

I doubt they were hers … There’s not enough alcohol on the planet that would help that woman conceive.

They were all dressed like dorks in matching red cardigans huddled up together in a neat little triangle of a pose. Adult on top … k**s doubled up on the bottom.

I kinda wondered why she would send me a picture including images of her c***dren. I mean you’re meeting a complete stranger on the internet. I don’t care how I look in my posted photos … I’m a stranger.

… There’s something fucking idiotic and perverted about women sending pictures of and including their c***dren to some guy that’s a potential hookup.

I mean, I get it … seriously, I get it.

It’s one of those my k**s are “part of the deal” type maneuvers. I really get it ladies .. You’re looking for a serious relationship and through some fault not necessarily your own … You’re doing the internet dating thing.

But think for a moment … Sending pictures of your God given babies to a complete stranger who may or may not be the next John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer … Real fucking genius right there ladies.

Keep on looking for that Mr. Goodbar okay ?

The photos that I got were even more disappointing and mind numbingly hilarious. Most of them were maniacally cropped to little more than a smiling face. If you’ve ever done the internet thing, you know what I’m talking about. The sliced up photo these broads use that were obviously part of a larger picture.

6
My favorite photos of this type usually have some type of floating body part in the frame. Probably an ex-husband or lover. Maybe even an embarrassing hookup from the company Christmas party. For some reason the women that sent photos of this type felt it was the best representation of them as a person.

I agreed with these women.

I would never attempt to contact these potential mates. I’d move on to other online suitors as I was smart enough to see what was right in front of my face unlike so many others.

…I mean think about it for a moment …

These women had engaged in a relationship of some sort with men & women they’d met and hooked up with through whatever means. The shit hadn’t worked out and bother parties had gone their opposite ways.

… but they’d kept the photos of their time together however brief it was…and decided to use that as a visual representation of themselves.

Cropped or not, I was determined not to be a floating body part.

Seriously ladies … guys who use the internet to search for potential mates are usually looking for sex. Guys want ass … plain and simple … it’s not Chinese arithmetic. We need sexy pics to decide if we’re going to contact you. We’re big dumb visual a****ls for the most part.

So, that being said … I was searching the emailed photos for at least a cleavage shot. Some of the women that obliged my interest with a photo were … the last people who should have a camera.

I spent little over a week pouring over the few emails in my inbox. And frankly, I was beginning to get a little discouraged. Honestly there wasn’t much to choose from.

… Either the chick with visible razor stubble and roman haircut …or the soccer mom that looks like the classic Jack Kirby version of the Grey Hulk.

My quest being what it was … I spent a lot of in-between time alternately channel surfing my flat screen television and on my laptop. Bar hopping had become a thing of the past since I took employment at an up & coming advertising firm. I worked as a concept/ storyboard artist in the small firm in Van Nuys.

I had been working on a deodorant commercial when I accidentally stumbled on the solution to my problem.
7
I was sketching out a panel on a particularly difficult stretch of my storyboarding assignment when I happened to look out my second floor office window.

My co-worker Barry was talking to some chick that had happened upon our office looking for work. I could make out the bespectacled visage of Barry in his best “working dad” ensemble from Sears.

He was on the make … I was sure of that because he appeared to be fumbling his words and he was scratching his head incessantly.

I’d had the pleasure of watching Barry anti-score on numerous occasions at our local watering hole.

Usually this being southern California … Most women either ignored him or openly laughed in his face. But Barry was a trooper and would continue to hit on anything until last call … when he would usually .. If he was lucky … leave with the drunkest, sloppiest chick left in the place.

… yeah, Barry was laying his mack down on this girl.

I got an unsuspected surprise as I craned my head further out of the rectangular window.

The object of Barry’s desire … was fucking hot.

As I looked on from the second floor, I got a full view of this short woman with absolutely ridiculous curves. She was a borderline BBW, just over the line considered thick .
She was phat.

From my perch, I could see the deep creamy cleavage that stared Barry in the face. The massive bust stuffed into a skin tight silk business shirt. I could make out the plaid micro-mini skirt and black leggings … the voluptuous back porch of this woman. She had a portfolio tucked under her arm and she seemed to rock from side to side as Barry ripped through his tried and untrue routine.

After about five minutes I saw her write something on a piece of paper and hand it to Barry. I watched the big meaty globes that were her massive ass strain the mini as she walked towards the gate that led to the street.

Both Barry and I followed her with our eyes.

I watched Barry stare down at the scrap of paper like it was gold bullion and half run into the building.

8
I passed Barry as he exited the elevator intending to brag and posture to whoever would listen. I pressed the button immediately as I watched him stand frozen before me, triumphant scrap of paper in hand.

… Sorry Barry, but you need to stick to driving chicks your own speed.

As the elevator reached the floor, I almost half ran out of the small wooden courtyard in hot pursuit of the mysterious BBW I’d seen only moments earlier. I rounded the bend just outside the company gates and didn’t immediately spot her right off the bat. I went into a kind of frenzied state akin to panic … I quickened my pace around the six foot, foliage enshrouded fence that bordered the company.

I almost ran right into the woman, who was using a pay phone … or attempting to anyway. I drank in the beauty before me, getting heady on the sumptuous eye candy.

She had an exotic look about her … I couldn’t tell if she was Italian or Mediterranean. Short and stacked to the nines with what amounted to a wasp like waist that separated an large full bust from the meaty semi-circles that made up her luscious ass.

Her face … it’s hard to describe initially … but you could say she was halfway between Liz Taylor and Monica Bellucci. Face framed nicely in thick curly raven tresses.

This was one hot fucking woman !!

This lovely vision of woman hood was busy struggling with coin return on the payphone which was kinda wonked out and ratty looking. She slammed the phone and turned in my direction with an annoyed expression reading across her features.

I held my cell phone out in front of her face.

She smiled at me as she snapped up the phone and made her call.

Her name was Michelle … and she was mixed. She spoke with a c***d’s mischievous voice and was very coy about giving me her number. (She had slipped Barry her friend’s number.) … She seemed to be a very fun loving girl, all giggly and touchy feely… She said that she was staying with her mother in a downtown loft.

She didn’t hesitate accepting my dinner invitation … Accepting almost as soon as the words left my lips.

We just stood on the corner staring at one another for another twenty minutes before she finally spoke up.

“Don’t you have something to do ?”
9
“I’m afraid to take my eyes off of you … You might disappear.”


My answer made her giggle uncontrollably. There was something a little strange about her girlish laughter, but I figured … Why nitpick the Mona Lisa ?

I stared at her for another twenty minutes before hailing a cab for Michelle and slipping the cabbie about sixty bucks to take her home. She actually stuck her beautiful head out the window and yelled her number back at me. I responded in the same manner … yelling my number in return.

… and then the cab was suddenly gone. I actually stood there another five minutes staring at the spot where she had been standing.

By the time I reached the gate of my company, I’d convinced myself that I would never see Michelle.

By the time I stepped off the elevator I was pissed at myself for the cab play … convincing myself that the chick probably traveled all over town scamming hapless guys out of their disposable cash for cab rides … It was a fucking conspiracy.

My phone rang.

“ I just wanted to let you know … I’m definitely interested … in dinner.”


I was definitely on cloud fucking nine after Michelle called me back. By the time I reached my desk, images of our inevitable wedding danced about in my head. A raging boner danced around in my pants … seriously.

Barry finally got around to showing me his number. I knew what a rat I was so I listened to his moronic posturing and bragging.

… for all of two minutes.

“She slipped you her friend’s number Barry.”

He shrugged and walked back to his office. I kinda thought he’d be a little pissed at me for horning in on his action. But then I realized … “Bros before Hos” … Was Barry’s mantra after his second divorce. It wasn’t no thing for Barry because at least he got something out of the deal.

An interested aside is that Barry would end up marrying Michelle’s friend Sarah. A cute manicurist with a lazy right eye.
10
I finished my work day with a few meetings in the Art director’s office. She almost ruined what was a pretty kick ass afternoon by marking up my storyboards with a fucking felt tip marker. Gave me some bullshit about the camera angle being all wrong in some of my panels.

Cunt.
I knew she was screwing my boss on the side and decided to capitulate, otherwise there was the possibility that I would get shit canned. I’d worked on some pretty substantial campaigns over the years, but I didn’t know how good she was in bed.

So I made the changes she requested and hit the streets for home … and later, Michelle.

I took a loooonnnggg shower with images of Michelle dancing around in my head. I could just see her shaking that big, beautiful donk in some darkened club with all eyes on her. I imagined all the guys that had probably been injured fighting over her.

She was that fucking hot.

I got myself cleaned up and spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out what to wear. You have to careful with everything when you’re trying to impress somebody. Say the wrong thing … It’s over. Do the wrong thing … It’s one and done.

Clothing was tantamount in how you initially wanted to be perceived. I had gone out with at least twenty or thirty women that had built their whole ensemble around the “Kick Ass” pair of shoes or boots they’d probably brought at the mall that day.

It was easy to tell, especially if you went on more than one date with the person … They usually rolled out the same “Kick Ass” pair of shoes or boots they’d probably brought at the mall that day … lol.

I settled on a simple short sleeved collared shirt (black) and a pair of pressed grey slacks with some Stacy Adams shined to the max. I accessorized with a slack Rolex.

Michelle had given me simple enough instructions on how to reach her flat. I wheeled my BMW downtown smoothly gliding over the pot holes and unfinished street work that made downtown a four wheel paradise. Downtown Los Angeles was becoming more and more like New York every day. This kinda sucked .. I moved to Los Angeles to get away from all the abrasiveness that Yorkers pretended was flavor and personality.

Being a dick was plain and simply … being a dick.

Michelle lived in the Arts district, an nearly isolated area of downtown la that was marked by massive abandoned buildings currently in turnaround .. and numerous food processing plants.
11
Michelle was quite a vision when she opened the large doors that led into her apartment. In fact, I actually stood in the underdeveloped hallway outside her door starring into her green eyes intently before she grabbed my arm and yanked me inside.

Her flat was incredible … it looked like something you’d see in a movie in all it’s post modern glory. Michelle took my arm and led me on a mini tour of the place. She explained that her mom was a part owner of a company that painted backdrops and murals for the big studios.

I was impressed with the place.

But I was more impressed my Michelle herself. She was wearing a black gown with tiny spaghetti straps at her creamy shoulders … Those poor straps .. They were in charge of holding her softball sized breasts in check. The cleavage stood out in my face .. Taunting.

“So … Do I make the cut or what ?” She asked, suddenly acknowledging my groping gaze.
“Do you even have to ask ?” I was coy this time.

“I really do … believe that.”

She did a slight pirouette so that I could see her impressive apple bottom. The black dress actually accentuated her small waist and flaring hips.

“You got a little something, something going on.”

Michelle laughed out loud with her arms folded under her heaving bosom. She suddenly got quiet and asked …

“So how long do I have to wait for you to kiss me ?”

I responded by gently placing my hands on her small waist and giving her what I intended to be a gentle kiss. The kiss turned into a deep passionate exchange and before I knew it we were in full blown “Grab Ass Mode.”

Michelle definitely knew her business when it came to kissing. She used her tongue to caress and move my tongue in a semicircle motion. She sucked on my tongue while I felt her tiny hand closing around one of my butt cheeks.

I kneaded both of her large cheeks beneath my hungry fingers. Her ass was thick and meaty.

She stepped back and unzipped the back of her dress … It fell to the floor as a silky corona around her stiletto heels.
12
Michelle stood in her living room in a matching set of black strapless brassiere and bikini panties.

This next part is gonna trip you out.

… Michelle picked up a remote and clicked on that R. Kelly Song “ Feelin on yo Booty” .. she pressed a second button that actually turned the lights out.

She then took my trembling hand and led me off to her bedroom. You should have seen the back view as she led me through large wood paneled double doors that went into her bedroom.

She actually had a canopy bed

I almost wet myself as I watched her climb onto the bed and gather a bunch of pillows to rest on. She turned and crooked her little finger for me to join her.

I don’t know how long we were spooning in that bed, but I finally got around to getting undressed. I jumped in bed with her with only my boxers and Rolex on … I was on fucking cloud nine as I rubbed that beautiful ass. I began to knead my fingers among her “sweet spot.”

“Stop.”

“Huh … What ?”

Michelle suddenly had a very sad expression on her face. She sat up in the bed with her head hanging low. I didn’t know what to expect. Perhaps this whole exchange had been some sort of “weird chick test” to see if I was out for just a piece of ass. Mentally, I was already beating myself up.
“Fuck ! Fuck !! Fuck !!! … You’re so damn stupid !! Falling for this shit! Now the pussy is gone you, stupid ass jerk … It was a test … That’s what I get for thinking with my little head instead of my razor sharp … Awww !! Fuck !! .. I was thinking about putting a hole in the condom.

She was that fucking hot.

“ I gotta tell you something because my lawyer says I have to so I don’t get into trouble.”

“What ?”

“Just listen please.”

“Sure baby … What is it?” I sat up and rested on the head board next to her.
13
“ I got Herpes.”

“Come again ?”

I didn’t hear that right … I was sure I didn’t hear “I got Herpes” come out of the mouth of this sex goddess.

“ I got Herpes … I gotta tell you that because if I don’t, it could be a felony.”

I just stared blankly at the wall in front of the bed for what seemed like an eternity. I didn’t say shit … I just stared. Michelle sat next to me in that fucking pink cloud of a bed looking into my eyes.

“I only have it sometimes … It’s just that I had to tell you that before we went any further. I don’t have it now … but, well … I think I love you and … “

I put my hand up before she could complete that sentence.

She looked dejected as she lowered her head and began to sob. She pulled the blanket up to her armpits.

I got dressed.

“ Maybe this is some kind of test.”

“You got Herpes … for real ? … I mean you’re k**ding right ? This is just some kinda test or something right ?”

Michelle dropped the blanket exposing her luscious curves.

“Care to roll the dice and find out ?”

I groaned loudly and started for the door, raging hard on and all.

“Well, I guess it’s back to the chat rooms on Loving Large.com.” I heard her say this as I let myself out.

I drove exactly two blocks before I pulled over and gave into a complete rage attack.

“ Got dammit !!! Fucking tease !! … Nut bag !! .. Loony broad got me all fucking worked up and for what ?!! … Potential herpes … a life time prescription of Valtrex !!
I wanted to have babies with that chick !! .. (Sobbing) .. I wanted babies with that fruitcake !!”

14
You ever notice how men make ridiculous allowances and excuses for hot chicks ?

Really … Guys, fucking stupid ass guys like myself ,constantly rationalize the screwy quirks of women that we feel are hot … I had been sitting on an abandoned street in downtown los angeles trying to come to terms with the loss of what I considered a potential career piece of fucking ass… I’d actually began to tell myself that Herpes really couldn’t be all that bad.

Fuck.

I was considering going back there and pounding the snot out of that loony tart.

“Fuck … I could wear like ..three condoms or something. Just do her doggie and get out.”

“Can’t get herpes like that … 100 % fool proof … Safe.” I said to myself in an inner super hero voice that sounded a lot like Adam West.”

In the end, I drove myself to a local watering hole and got shit faced with a couple of less than stellar regulars.

By 2am I was literally sobbing into my beer, images of Michelle sitting on that bed tormenting me internally.

“Fucking tease.”